gentlewolf225 My journey through words

Today was the one year anniversary of my mother’s passing.  As we all met by a stone set to memorialize her in a nearby town, we noted that it is hard to believe that it has been a year.  I thought out loud that I think the reason for this feeling is that the moments leading up to her passing and that night are still so vivid in our memories that it is hard to not think that it was a few weeks ago.

Tonight, I am noticing how I have grown and not in a good way since her passing.  I feel like time stood still in the past year and I have not lived.  I feel older though.  Much more than only one year older.  I don’t like this feeling.  I want to change it and I am hoping that as I recognize what I have been doing to myself, that the change begins now.

I looked at a picture of my mother yesterday.  I guess you can say I got lost in the picture.  I went looking for the moment and the feeling that was there.  I thought I found it, felt it.  Maybe I did.  It made me cry and miss her a lot again.  Really, I just let myself know that I miss her so much.  I wanted to call her.  Even if it was to get yelled at.  I miss her and I am proud of her.  I am not happy with her life as I wanted her to have more.  I am trying to make sure I have the more I wanted for her.  I think I am doing well, but not well enough.  I want better interpersonal relationships…I want to be better at them.

Mom, I miss you.  I know you are looking down on me and my life.  Thanks for staying with me mom.  I love you mom.  One of the last days, you asked me to always keep you in my heart.  There you are mom.  You always will be.  Please know that.

So, the second snow day and tomorrow will be back to normal.  Not really.  In my world, a distraction like a snow day or an absence creates more headaches than it would seem.  All of my classes are doing different things due to various other intrusions for the next several weeks.  Students that were needing to make up work are that much more behind.  What a mess.  And the only one that can orchestrate the clean up for me is ME.

Now that I vented about that.  This time of the winter leaves me feeling dusty and needing to clean up.  I have been cooped up inside places…home, work.  The yard, and cars, and garage, and everything needs to be cleaned, dusted, and aired out.  I guess I might be wanting Spring to get here faster this year because I want to skip February.  This is the anniversary weekend of my mother’s passing.  This is also my birthday month and I am getting more aware of my later age this year.  What a rough feeling.  I know I am making major attempts at getting myself back to Fitness.  I am eating better and loving the tough exercises that I am doing now.  With age, weight loss and better health come slower or not at all.  A daily reminder that my age is up there and raising quickly.  I am feeling dusty.  I don’t like the feeling, but it is reality.

I am sure many posts of mine will reflect my feelings about aging.  I am hoping my posts can get to positives about writing, health, and fun.  I am hoping to look back at this post as early as next month to see the shift.  Until then, I will exist in my own dust.

So…today was a snow day and we had no school.  We had the luxury of knowing yesterday that things would be so bad today that we would not have any school.  When we woke up, we realized that our world was snowed in.  Even after 2 hours of shoveling, the drive way still was 1/3 covered in about 30+ inches of snow.  Also, the road had barely been plowed.  A problem, no…as there will again be no school tomorrow.  On top of it all, we are now in a wind chill alert!

Today while shoveling, I noticed all of the neighbors out doing the same thing, shoveling snow.  There was no swearing.  Families were working together.  Some neighbors were helping others out.  It was as much as a team and community effort as it could have been.  Does it take a significant event to bring people together…really?  This would never had happened in the summer unless there was a fire or tornado.  It felt good.  Kids were playing in the snow.  The sun was shining.  The wind was cold, but people were doing what they had to do.

So…the rest of the day is a free day.  My wish and intent is to be productive with my found time.  Sure I did a little cleaning around the house, but most of my time was wasted.  Not fair!  Do I get a re-do tomorrow.  I hope so.  I often want to be productive but the down time gets in the way.  I want to write nightly, never happens.  I want to exercise daily…happens only 2-3 times a week.  Maybe if TV becomes illegal in Illinois I will be able to get some stuff done?  I don’t think so.

Tomorrow will be my re-do.  I am hoping that I can make it worth while.  I guess I should decide that now.  Okay, I decide yes!

So…The Blizzard is here.  All life is cancelled for the next 24 hours.  Everyone (ordered) to stay put in their home.  A hope that their Twinkies will hold out until driving is possible again.  Can’t tell if people are happy about the white out conditions and blizzard or scared.  Maybe both? 

I am one that enjoys significant weather.  There exists a romantic unknown that severe weather brings.  An extreme that us finite and I can note that there will be a time when all is calm and yes…we can celebrate that we made it through it all.  I also love the nature of it all.  I want to see how much nature I can handle and what nature has to offer.  It is almost a Vision Quest in the comfort of my PJs and office.  I can endure it all…the wind and the cold…from the heat and comfort od inside.  My poor home and outside belongings.  They are too cold to complain.  They are the real heroes here.

This reminds me of the time when I was a teen and friends and I would go out on nights like this.  Our mission…to find and help those in need.  We were not looking for money or fame.  We were looking to feel good inside.  A group of teen super heroes with shiny new driver’s licenses and brief skills to handle the weather.  More so, we were teen-strong and had the desire to help cars that were stuck in the snow and needed the push!  Wow, I wanted that to sound like we were doing good deeds, but in reality we were out looking for selfish pats on the back.  I guess we all have our missions.  I am glad that this was ours.  I miss those days.

I think it is interesting the way that people get a warm and cozy feeling when there is a possibility that they might get snowed in.  Isn’t this supposed to feel like an emergency?  I am as guilty as the next, especially being a teacher thinking that I might get a SNOW DAY.

I think the snow day is special as it makes us slow down and enjoy the moments that we were not supposed to have.  If we can really live life in this manner, where we enjoy each moment as if we stole it, I think we can be much happier.  We do not appreciate as much as I remember as a kid.  I am curious if this is because I am older or societal expectations have changed.  In my mind, everything is hurried and we are always waiting for the next something.  We take everything for granted and have lost the art of appreciation.  I think some find it difficult to appreciate themselves.  It is due to TV, music, electronics, fast food, and credit cards?  Who know.  More for another day.

Meanwhile, I will wait for the snow to come, if it comes.  The snow seems to miss me and go to Indiana when I really am counting on it.  Karma?  Maybe.  Think the opposite and since I am cursed, the opposite again will happen…even though that is what I wanted in the first place.  Apparently Karma can’t hear me think.

Warm and cozy.  No emergency.  Enough peanut butter for a couple of days.  All might be right with the snow globe now.

I have been watching a lot of thoughtful prophecy shows on the History I network.  I find that they have been resonating my feelings, concerns, and thoughts that I have been noting lately.  I like coincidences like this.  I like when I am in sync with the universe in that manner.  Another belief of mine I guess.  I am worried for the world.  Not the kind of worried like I will obsess or lose sleep over.  I feel badly for those that do not notice what is really happening to our “taken for granted” lives.  Maybe ignorance is bliss and all are better off?  I would imagine that this is the case. 

As a teacher, I see people getting caught up in all of the change and reform in America.  The place to start reform is of course, with society.  Americans have tunnel vision about things like this and would rather see such issues needing band aids.  As long as they do not need to look in the mirror and note how this all affects them, then we are all okay.  We all need a moment of Zen, of Buddha’s “Awakening” so we can see our world for what it is.  Only then can we reform ourselves to a simple but meaningful life again.

As a human, I am feeling that people are getting more and more angry each day.  Where are the kind people that care about others just because they are people?  Our world is getting so very self-entitled that we can only exist on Facebook where we can filter life.  We can hide behind our computers waiting for someone to notice us.  Then when they don’t, we are out looking for someone’s post so we can grab some attention from the “friends” of others.  Interesting.

Welcome to my world.  My name is Mark.  I am a teacher, a learner, a writer, a student of life.  My favorite thing to study is life and the people that occupy it.  Please allow me to be me.  I am hoping this BLOG allows me to let me be me.  Well world, here it goes.